Why I'll Never Do Another Juice Cleanse

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Once upon a time, my mother warned me my metabolism would slow done. But as a growing teenager with an insatiable appetite, I didn't believe her. Now that I'm two years away from 30, I've changed my tune. It's no secret that I've put on a few (okay, several) pounds within the last few years. But being married and living in Chicago where a new critically acclaimed restaurant opens every week will do that to you. As I write this, the wind chill is -22...there's nothing else to do BUT eat. #ChicagoProblems #TheStruggleIsReal

And after spending two straight weeks (okay, months) eating my body weight in comfort food during the holiday season, I thought it would be a good idea to try out a juice cleanse as a way of flushing my body off all the carbs and calories I'd consumed.

But I love food too much to commit to a three- or five-day cleanse. I was born hangry for crying out loud. Seriously, the nurses at the hospital where I was born had to summon my mother to feed me because I was starting a riot in the nursery. #FatBabyProblems

So when I found out Jus by Julie, a brand a friend had recommended, offered one-day juice cleanses (and I found said juice cleanse on Groupon), I decided to give it a try. I had nothing to lose, except a couple of pounds if I was lucky.

My meals for the day.
My meals for the day.

Well, I was so very wrong. The day started off fine enough with the Sweet Spin juice, which contained spinach, kale, pineapple, banana and mango. I thought "this isn't so bad, I can definitely do this." And the spicy lemonade that followed (comprised of lemons, cayenne pepper and maple syrup aka the Beyoncé diet) was okay, too.

But when I got to the third juice dubbed Dr. Green, all bets were off. My husband said it tasted like "wet grass" and I concurred. To be fair, he wasn't a big fan of the cleanse in the first place. If I remember correctly, he described it as "White people Hollywood sh*t." Maybe he was right.

When I returned to the office and offered a taste to my coworkers, they all agreed it tasted like crap. Well, that settles that then. I moved on to the fourth juice (a tasty and refreshing chia berry and acai blend) and felt WAYYY better. But by then I'd already decided I wasn't going to drink the remaining two juices and I would simply "cleanse until dinner."

There was no way I was going to make it without eating all day. Who was I trying to fool? My energy was low, my stomach kept grumbling and I'd started to feel lightheaded and nauseous. I kept trying to tell myself "mind over matter." But the only matter I was concerned about was food. Woman was not built to survive on juice alone. Exactly what was I trying to prove? I love food too much. Always have, always will.

When all was said and done, I'd only lost a pound. Hardly worth it. My curiosity about cleanses had been satiated and now I'll stick to losing weight the old-fashioned way: by eating healthy (for the most part) and working out.

Just as there are no shortcuts in life, there are no shortcuts to weight loss. And, as my sister always reminds me, you're going to die if you have the burger and you're going to die if you don't. So eat the damn burger. I'd rather die fat and happy than hungry and miserable.

(Feature image by CreateHERstock.com)